Losing our way in the bedroom is a bit like losing our bliss. For so many of us the intimate connection we share with our partners sustains a happy life.
As a professional I’ve heard every concern in the book about sex lives, but the number one question from couples is always how to enliven sex again after a period of mundane has set in. Sometimes we have to work a little to push past those sexual lulls that can curse the strength of our passion and sexual aliveness, long-term. But ohhhh… is it worth it!
Here are 7 steps to help you get blissed out in bed (or wherever you are)…
1. Embrace The Power Of Truth & Change: Realize that if you’re a little bored in bed, so is your partner, and you don’t want that. It’s time to do something… tonight.
2. Get Comfy With a Language of Love: Sexual dialogue is one of the most powerful cornerstones sustaining a long-term connection complete with bedroom bliss. Work on breaking down those barriers that inhibit you from being direct about sex and your sensual experience. You may have to accept that feeling a little uncomfortable at first is natural, and probably inevitable. It may be a process for you, as it was for me.
Simply start by feeling confident about the connection you share with your partner, and know that they appreciate you as their lover, friend and life partner. They actually want to hear what you have to say…they are even hungry to hear what you have to say. Try to be as open and honest as you can about what stimulates you, what you dislike, how far you’re willing to go in one sexual area or another. This kind of candid perspective will be rewarded with a deepened connection and more fantastic lovemaking.
3. Divide & Conquer: Take a good look at your sexual routine by dividing it into segments. For instance, perhaps you usually have…
· 5 minutes of talking
· 10 minutes of making out/foreplay
· 10 minutes of intercourse
· 5 minutes of afterglow
4. Break Out of Your ‘Same Old Sex’ Box: Seeing your segments written out this way often opens your eyes to how routine you’ve let the process of sex become. It’s time to plan your escape from the box you’ve put yourself and partner in by doing something different.
Deviating from your routine sex may make you feel like you’re 17 again… embarrassed, shy, excited, flustered… just go with it!
5. Get On The List: Use your Newness List to help you pick a point of deviation. Write down 7 possible ways to invite something innovative into your bedroom.
Here’s my list…
1. Read an erotic book together, or a book that teaches us about our sexuality. Pick something from the book and try it out.
Slow Sex, by Nicole Deadon http://amzn.to/ylycFr
2. Introduce a toy for my lover to use on me.
Go to Earth Erotics and check out their multitude of sexy accoutrements http://bit.ly/zUi9au
3. Play an erotic game together…
This is a simple but fun game I teach in Tantra workshops. Tantra is all about exploring the unknown and this game prompts players to be adventurous and daring. Supplies are as follows: a blindfold; something to bind hands, stocking, sock, rope, etc.; a plethora of anything safe and clean to put in the mouth: fruit, chocolate, toys, body parts, etc… (make sure to hide these items from a lovers view prior to blindfolding); and, sexy clothing. Every time the receiving player guesses what’s in their mouth (without using their hands), the giving player has to let them take off one piece of clothing. If they guess wrong the giver has the option to put one piece of clothing back on. What’s the prize for being a cunning guesser? That’s up to you!
4. Take an erotic class together then introduce what we’ve learned into foreplay. The Pleasure Chest has a few locations and an abundance of educational classes http://bit.ly/xp2yu3
5. Give a sensual massage. There are many books on how to give a great sensual massage, one of my favorites, and an all time classic: Connecting Through Touch: The Couples’ Massage Book http://amzn.to/xOE6s1
6. Take a bubble bath together, or a sensual shower. Water is an element of healing and connecting. A warm, slippery, wet, intimate space to soap up my lover in!
7. Get Into Position by dusting off that Kama Sutra book and highlight a few postures that I like. Try each with clothes on first, then with clothes off. Explore the sensations and differences between the two variations of each pose.
6. Ready… Set… ACTION!: This is the most important step in our 7-step process. Use the sensual dialogue that you’ve started to experiment with to create a plan, a time and a place to take action.
The proposition could go something like this: “Lover, I’m feeling a distance between us sexually and I’d like to spend a little time reconnecting with you. Are you open to experimenting with me (tonight, tomorrow night, Saturday morning, etc…) and trying something new?” Use your dialogue to communicate in a light, fun, explorative way; with no blame, no regrets and a lot of love.
Perhaps your lover will want to know what you have in mind. This is a good time to present the list that you’ve come up with. Show them what you’ve thought of and ask them if any of these ideas look interesting, if they have something else in mind, or something to add. Block out at least 2 hours for this purpose, jump in and enjoy!
7. Slow It Down: The process of bedroom bliss-finding should be enjoyed. Don’t rush it! As I teach my students, focus on the feelings of excitement building up between you, instead of working toward a climax. When things get hot, slow down, even stop, breathe and relax again.
We can get so hung up on the need to climax that everything in between becomes a means to an end, instead of an experience. And, everything in between is where the connection, fun, power and bliss all exist. Enjoy the building of sensations, both subtle and intense, and appreciate this sensual time you have to share together.
Happy Bedroom Bliss!